magaret decided to quit soccer too..

im now left one mi own.. actly i dno if it's partly mi fault dat she left cos she felt neglected.. i dint tok to her alot u see.. n i realised i cldn click wif her thou i tried mi bestest best to tok to her as much as i cld n search for a common topic to tok.. but i said b4.. im not one hu will zuo4 zuo4.. n i simply couldn unds till today how she cld place CT responsibilities over soccer..

nvm it's okay.. im more worried for coach stressing out looking for his reserved goalkeeper..
to tink not too mani months back... las nov.. he was still telling mi: grace it's okay if u hafta compete wif another yr 1 to fight for a place in the top 20 rite?
grace: of cos.. i wouldn mind not being in the top 20 oso..

time passed.. i realised the importance of the place to me.. i progressed.. things happened.. n now im told dat.. i not onli dunnid to compete for a place.. im the onli one left to play dat position for the team..

honestly speaking.. althou coach kips telling mi.. it's matter of time dat i hafta play as top 11.. if nt dis yr.. it wld b next yr.. or next next yr

i still feel dere's a difference....
im trying to b less emo.. n jus forget abt the sadness.. n focus on playing well.. i was speaking to jasmin jus now.. abt things..

since day 1 wen i knew how serious the situation was.. i really nver tot of shunning the responsibility.. i mus admit.. b4 her injury was confirmed.. i was still over-dependent on her.. n still trying to deceitly convince miself dat it's prolly nth n the doc. jus out to give all of us a bad scare... n i wasn prepared to step up at all...
but frm day 1 wifout her... i so swear dat i really forget at the benchmark set by her n strived to push miself even further den dat benchmark set by her.. do wadeva i can.. n couldn in the past... i told miself i had to speed up mi learning ability doubly triply as fast...
n i swear dat i felt miself improving like i nver b4.. but sumhow.. dere was always dat sinking feeling in mi heart... like i was living in her shadows... im playing sumthing i dint truly deserve...


the match we had against staff.. every1 were encouraging me.. reassuring me.. telling mi dat dey nver seen mi played liddat eva b4.. but then i couldn feel a single bit of ecstasy in me.. i jus felt like.. she shld haf been the one up dere playing instead of me...


seriously althou u wont bliff mi.. but i feel her pain... i feel her strong desire to play.. i unds the sadness she's gng thru frm always being a player n part of a game.. to sum1 hu can onli sit by the audience stand n watch ur teammates play.. i fully unds dat feeling seriously....


actly dese mere few wks on mi own.. i haf been trng like i nver b4.. going home wif cuts n wounds on mi legs n hands n mi fingers r sprained n strained like no1's business dat i cant even write properly.. but i always tot it was nth as compared to wad she was gng thru.. cos wad im gng thru was onli the teeny weeny bit of physical pain.. until like yesterdae did i realise how laden mi heart was..

cos at dat split a second wen she told mi it was a stress fracture.. i happily wenta assume dat's damn good.. it means dat her life is in no danger... it means dat she might even recover in time for the season.. u shld haf seen the ecstasy in mi dat i wenta find jing n share wif jing the good news.. n i was so so so happy... seriously n for the fers time for like dno how long i felt damn damn damn happy n i couldn stop smiling n mi heart suddenly felt so much lighter..

it was like dat sinking feeling was dere for too long dat u dint noe it was dere until sumthing came to take the load away n lift up ur laden heart..
u noe dat feeling?

i dno.. but dat feeling was gone today after i read sum pple's blog.. i toked to sum pple.. n i realised things were not wad i tot to b.. i tink i haf always been over-optimistic..

honestly speaking.. im seriously so damn not worried abt how im gna play for the season.. im prepared for it.. as in im willing to slog the shit outta mi jus to make the mark n at least be the bes i can be for the team thou i carn say dat it will definitley translate into results but at the ultimate end of the day.. wad u're seeing of mi frm the game is definitely the bes person i can be...

for the more ups u haf.. the more downs u will get.. howeva.. u will feel the downs r more worth it... dat was wad jasmin said to mi today
dat's why if u realise.. i haf been telling the whole world.. i dont feel good.. but i still okay in mi heart.. i still got dat feeling of satisfaction.. self-sufficiency... cos i definitely got some valuable things in the world dat certain pple haf nver received in their life... n will nver exp. in their life..

but the thing dat is worrying mi the most is dat i needa get of her shadows n move on.. i noe she's sad... n mi helplessness is making mi live in her shadows everytime i train.. during a match.. i needa get outta it n wake up to mi idea.. n set mi mentality rite.. n worry at the rite time.. i cannot kip dwelling on dis thing...
sumtimes i tink im caring too much.. but i cant help it seriously... wen im telling miself notta care now.. it's a difficult enuff.. n i feel veri veri guilty not caring too.. i dno how to express dis feeling...

like wad jasmin said.. the impt thing is for her to b happy
but i dno how to make her happy... sumtimes i care but i dno how to help... actly not sumtimes.. but always..
i wna make u feel better.. but i dno how to.. wen i feel ur pain.. i cant stop breaking down too... i noe i shldn let mi emotions get the better of mi.. but i cannot control it too..


i feel veri selfish trying to move on frm wad has happened.. cos i owe everything i haf today to u.. im prepared to play for the team.. but i dno it jus doesnt feel good playing a position dat means so much to sum1 else... dat she was even willing to give up everything jus for it..

besides dis.. deres something else im pursuing veri badly... n i really need it badly... really really really badly.. even working damn hard for it can becum so enjoyable n so worth it.. nth can bring mi down...